Talk about believing your own press. "If Selected..." hits the streets this very morning with Sidaway splashed across the front cover, surrounded by such legendary journeymen as Pele, Best, van Basten, Lineker, Shearer and Law. The question asked is whether Sidaway is "the greatest of them all?" Sidaway responds in the affirmative with two great striker’s goals, and "If Selected..." quickly removes its metaphorical tongue from its metaphorical cheek, and takes the credit for inspiring an important victory.

It is perhaps just as well that Sidaway did something concrete to justify such outrageous journalistic license. Before the game, the supposed better of Pele had insisted on his own changing room in keeping with his new-found Superstar status. He was also to be heard asking Captain Clarke whether it would be possible to arrange a little plaque above his peg bearing the inscription ‘LEGEND’. Not that this press exposure had gone to his head in any way, you understand. Luckily, when it came to the game, Sidaway was able to plant his feet firmly back on the ground.

Oakway FC were also up for a quick impression on this crisp spring morning, and decided to impersonate the Logica Football Club. At kick-off time they only had six players and no kit. Some twenty minutes later they had mustered four more players and had found some kit. Thus, in a strange reversal of roles, Logica kicked off against only ten men

Even stranger, Logica showed great intelligence in addressing this unusual situation. Despite another quagmiric Links Avenue pitch, they were able to pass the ball around on the ground and use their numerical advantage to great effect. They used the less muddy flanks well , with Jobling and Gildea on the right, and Masting and Toman on the left, affecting some excellent combinations. Sidaway conducted things from the middle of the park, Brian, getting through a little bit of that ‘midfield donkey-work’ that he professes to love so dearly.

Indeed, it was only over-elaboration near the Oakway goal, coupled with some diabolical offside decisions by the visiting manager posing as a linesman, that prevented Logica taking an early lead. Both problems were dealt with swiftly. Logica were encouraged to ‘stop fannying about and just shoot whenever possible’ by on-field captain Abbott (!!!-Ed), whilst Mrs Spence was deployed to take the linesman out. The latter task was carried out with far more conviction, as Logica’s most vociferous supporter launched a verbal onslaught that left the once merry flag-waver a quivering wreck on the ground by the corner flag. Suffice to say, Logica were never caught offside again, and Sidaway was able to move forward without fear of being penalised. This paved the way for Logica’s ‘Escape To Victory’ with the Geordie press-darling playing the role of Pele.

New boy Gildea was first to add a sharper point to Logica’s thrusting bayonet. A good move down the left involving Masting and Toman again, found Gildea in space and he wasted no time in getting in a thunderous shot which beat the keeper but was just a little too high. Throw-ins were causing Oakway a problem as Toman launched accurate lobs deep into the penalty area. Abbott received one such with his back to goal, twisted and hooked the ball over his left shoulder, over the keeper, but unfortunately also just over the bar. Another throw resulted in a goal-mouth scramble which culminated in a rushed clearance simply heading skywards. As the ball returned to earth, Spence executed a perfect bicycle kick, but the extravagant shot went too close to the keeper. Other promising breaks found Masting and Sidaway prevaricating about shooting until the chance had passed.

There was no threat from a poor quality and depleted Oakway attack and Wildsmith lost the chance to earn a hat-trick of Man-of-the-Match Awards by being a virtual bystander. The emphasis was on Logica to break down the Oakway defence. This they nearly did just before half-time. Abbott received the ball, cut inside the last defender, and (as is his wont) tried to curl a left-footer just inside the top corner Dalglish-style. Sadly the shot went high and wide, and the stylish forward would be better advised to leave the impersonation of all-time greats to those, like Sidaway, who can carry it off.

For the second half, Logica were implored to "step up a gear", and after some initial fumbling in reverse, this is exactly what they did. Chances were created and missed with equal regularity. A one-two between Abbott and Masting left the influential Scot with some space to shoot, but once more the bobbley pitch intervened. Spence had a clear run on goal but shot straight at the keeper. Jobling, supporting well on a quick break, could only find a tame shot from twenty yards. Some left-wing trickery of Degsy Hatton proportions by Abbott resulted in a low cross which ran unimpeded right across the six-yard box. Another left-wing cross by Abbott picked out Spence who angled a glancing header just over the bar. A succession of Logica corners were also fended off by a staunch but tiring Oakway rearguard.

Just when some Logica fans began to fear the worst (e.g. Oakway scoring from their only attack to snaffle the points), Logica struck. Spence was hacked down from behind, and a free-kick twenty yards out was awarded. Abbott stood alone pondering how to curl one round a four-man wall, when suddenly he spied arch-prowler Sidaway lurking a yard to the side of this human barrier. Shaping to shoot, Abbott instead slipped a neat pass wide of the wall and into Sidaway’s path. The ageing cover-star cleverly fooled the keeper by pretending to mis-control the pass, before lunging elegantly at the trundling ball to slot home for a much overdue break-through.

Logica nearly threw away this hard-earned lead within seconds. Verifying the theory that a team is at its most vulnerable having just scored a goal, the defence reacted too slowly and the lone Oakway forward was clear on goal. A low shot seemed net-bound, but miraculously Wildsmith (who had had nothing to do for fully seventy minutes) reacted in a flash and got his right hand to the ball to divert it away. If such a one-sided match can have a turning point, this was it, for Logica went straight down the other end and scored a second goal. A corner could not be cleared and Spence showed subtle skill to cleverly play a pass to Sidaway via the post. This left the larger-than-life legend to rifle home from twenty centimetres, and forwards of his calibre don’t miss from there.

The game petered out after this. Logica continued to create chances regularly, but Oakway’s efforts were now very half-hearted. Spence, clean through on goal, and Abbott, with a left foot shot just over the bar, were the main culprits, but at the end of the day Brian, the two points were already safely in the bag.